Assorted Cogitations

I was just recently browsing my old Google Documents account for anything interesting I could find, and I was pleased to find something that was interesting indeed. It was something I wrote back in sophomore year, apparently on the 9th of January, 2006. At that time, I was about half way through a terrible biology class; terrible in the easy, boring, and utterly noneducational sense. Anyway, the teacher had asked me (and a friend, one David Kwan, who served as an excellent editor) to write a narrative exemplifying the process of scientific investigation. Disgusted by yet another easy and meaningless assignment, I took it upon myself to write a blatantly tongue-in-cheek response to the prompt. As I recall, she loved it. I now provide it for your reading pleasure; please excuse all overt bull and ostensible errata found within - you can be sure they were intended.

It was a bright and sunny day in my neighborhood. I was lounging at our picnic table in the back yard, studiously completing some very boring homework for a class whose unworthy name shall not be mentioned. I felt my consciousness begin to slip, and as my head gradually grew closer and closer to the surface of the table, I began to doze. Suddenly I awoke with a start! Something had happened! But what was it?

So I began compiling the facts: I had been doing some very boring homework on a bright and sunny day in my neighborhood. I remembered my consciousness beginning to slip. As I was getting closer and closer to the picnic table, I was getting closer and closer to sleep. Then I remembered becoming suddenly awake. What had happened? I realized I needed more facts, so I began my long and dedicated investigation.

I stood up slowly, so as not to rush excessive blood to my head, and began the long trek to the neighborhood park. There I found a dog, who I began to question.

Me: Hey you, you seen any suspicious activity in this area recently?

Dog: Ruff bark woof, bleech ding looo, HOWLLLLLLL.

Me: Are you sure of that? Can I trust you?

Dog: Rowl, barg woof tick tick tick loooooooobntune, ULULAT!

Me: You don’t say.

Dog: Mephwoof.

Me: Thank you, you have been amazingly helpful.

Dog: No hay problema, porque yo soy mexicano.

I headed north. There I found a stationary pigeon, who’s name, I soon discovered, was Igor Moustachski. I asked him about the actions the dog had intoned, and he informed me that this antidisestablishmentarianist was no help. He told me the real culprit was the priest of a Catholic church. Now don’t let your mind run wild, the crime committed by this individual was much worse than the usual. I stood aghast at the utter perversity of his actions. I was riveted to to the ground. However would I right this terrible wrong? I asked Igor of the location of the criminal, and he promptly responded that he was currently hiding out in the vacation home of Santa Claus’ wife. What he may be doing there I do not know, but I decided that this was out of my jurisdiction.

Feeling distraught and doubting the continence of life as I knew it, I plodded slowly toward home. Then I felt my shoe squish upon something squishy…and it was then that I looked down. My legs were gone!!! I walked to a nearby bus stop, to catch a bus for the remaining stretch of my journey, as (lacking legs) I could not deign to walk it. When the bus finally came (after several days of waiting in the arctic conditions), I greeted the driver and proceeded to my favorite seat. There, as planned, I once again met Igor, and we talked nostalgically of times of old. When it came time to part, we patted each other on the back, and went our separate ways.

Returning home, I proceeded to the kitchen to obtain dinner, as it was now dinner time. I carefully prepared my microwavable macaroni and cheese (a paramount achievement), and proceeded to puzzle over the occurrences of earlier that day. While puzzling, I began putting my facts together. The road had lead me to the dog, who had directed me to Igor, and then Igor had given me a lead on the priest, whom I had decided not to pursue. Knitting these facts into any conclusive form seemed as hard as dividing by zero. But suddenly, like a bat out of Sweden, an amazing thought came out of nowhere and embedded itself into my brain. I knew exactly what had happened, and I knew exactly how to prove it!

As I was drifting into a somnolent state, I was disturbed by a strange occurrence, which I then sought to discover. I found a dog, who told me nothing but where to find more information, and this information, provided by my good friend Igor, lead to a priest, who had committed the atrocious act of doing nothing! After deciding to not pursue this shifty fellow, I headed home, along the way finding that my legs had been replaced by nothing. I arrived home, feeling like I had learned nothing from my journey toward truth. What I did not realize, however, was that I actually had discovered nothing, that is, what had happened. After this long series of discoveries, I had finally determined what had disturbed me earlier: NOTHING!!!